I'm currently supposed to be revising for my biology exam however I've decided to do some more procrastinating and write a blog post instead.
If I'm being honest, the reason I am writing is because I feel like I'm having such a crap time at the moment. It's hard to talk to people about it because I like to come across as if I'm strong all the time and I don't want anyone to see my vulnerable side. It is just exhausting and emotionally draining trying to keep a happy face 24/7.
I've come back to university and I've just lost so much confidence and self esteem in myself. I've felt so fat and disgusting and it was really bringing me down so I decided to do something about it. I've started eating healthily and I started Charlotte Crosby's 3 Minute Belly Blitz workout DVD. The reason I chose this DVD was purely based on how popular it was and how many good reviews it had. I thought I'd give it a try and I genuinely enjoyed doing it. I started off with a workout DVD because I get incredibly anxious when it comes to going for a run outside or going to the gym as I feel like everyone is staring at me and I'm going to make a total twat of myself.
I started doing this on a daily basis and I began feeling a bit better about myself. After a week, the workout DVD that I was following got taken down from YouTube (Oh No!) and I went into a bit of a frenzy. I became a little bit obsessed with exercising every day so I had to figure out other forms of exercise while I waited for the workout DVD to be delivered. So I forced myself to do the two things that I feared the most; go to the gym and go outside jogging.
Step number one was plucking up the courage to join the gym which I managed to do. It is £19.95 a month which is a bargain considering that price includes a swimming pool, a sauna and all of the classes. I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym yet so I decided to force myself to go outside for a run instead. I ran 2 miles down the riverside in Lincoln and I felt so proud of myself after. I felt like I achieved something massive and I was on a high all day.
Me and my flatmate Coral decided to go to the gym where I went swimming for an hour and I also had a free Personal Trainer assessment which I was so nervous about. The PT sat me down and just asked me general questions and he was so easy to talk to. I told him why I'm anxious about joining a gym again and he reassured me that no one will laugh at me or call me 'puny' which made me feel a bit better. He showed me interval training, resistance training and certain exercises to reach the goal I want. After the assessment, he booked me into a free PT session with Coral and 3 other girls which I actually felt really excited for. I left the gym feeling so confident in myself. I haven't ever been more determined to become fit and healthy in all my life.
After only 2 weeks I started to see results and a change in my mood and behaviour. My posture was a little bit better, my legs were thinner, my belly a tiny bit more toned and if that wasn't enough I started to feel happier and more energetic. Finally, everything was looking up. I've been the most motivated and determined I've ever been. However the universe decided it was time up for this new positive and happier behaviour of mine.
I woke up at 4am Sunday morning in complete agony while shivering uncontrollably. I knew something was wrong straight away as the pain was getting worse and worse and I couldn't seem to warm up. I took some paracetamol and tried to sleep it off but the pain was so severe it was making me cry. I rang 111 and got redirected to out of hours where I got an appointment at 8am. I eventually saw the doctor and it turns out I have another kidney infection. My temperature and heart rate were very high and I was still in severe pain so I got admitted into the Emergency Medical Unit where I sat on my own for 10 hours working myself up into an emotional mess. I was frightened about what was happening and I had no idea whether I would have to stay overnight or not. All I wanted was my mum or Grant to keep me company and to be there to support me.
Eventually the consultant saw me and confirmed I have a severe kidney infection but he is happy for me to go home as my heart rate and temperature are back to normal I was given a strong antibiotic to take 3x a day for 10 days to clear up the infection but if I'm still having problems after I've finished my antibiotics I need to go back and be admitted as an in-patient in the Urology ward. I'm still taking my antibiotics so fingers crossed they work.
For a week I've felt like complete shit. I've had on and off fever, on and off achy body and constant pain in my left side. So obviously that meant no exercise for me. I had to miss my personal trainer session, majority of my lectures and my new motivated and determined lifestyle got fucked up completely. I couldn't even manage to revise for my biology exam. All I could do was lay in bed and sleep. After being on such a high for 2 weeks it felt like I just got pushed out of a window from a 40 story building and smacked in the face by the concrete ground.
I think what I found worse was the constant worry of how much damage this infection has done to my kidneys. The last time I was this ill with a kidney infection was when I was 9 and I spent a week in hospital. I know my kidneys aren't functioning great as it is but I've had 7 infections in the last 6 months and 1 severe infection and I can't help but be scared as to how much damage this has done. I'm worried about having my next kidney function test, I'm worried about what this means for my future. Will I be able to finish my degree? Will I be able to travel the world? Will I be able to have children?. The thing is, I know kidney failure isn't the end of the world. I can have dialysis and a kidney transplant but I am just so frightened it's all going to happen sooner than I imagined. I don't want to be like this. I just want to get better and the most frustrating part is knowing that there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening.
This leads me up till now. I'm currently feeling so down and depressed because I'm trying so hard to grasp back that more positive and motivated mind frame. I woke up today and I went to my workshop, I've started my healthy eating again and I completed my workout DVD so I should be feeling better right? It just seems like nothing can shift this dark cloud looming over me.
I think maybe I'm just trying to brush off so much. A lot of things have been bothering me and getting to me but I'm trying my hardest to act like I don't care which is easy to do over social media. I'm deep down holding onto the past because I feel as if past relationships have been left open and I've gained no closure from them. I feel like I need answers to everything when in reality I'm never ever going to get them. I'm constantly blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life. Since I've started university it seems like I'm always doing something wrong which causes important people in my life to leave. The thing is, I never ever seem to find out what I did that was wrong.
What I'm finding extremely hard is the fact that I've recently just lost my best friend. I missed her so much when I was away on placement and I couldn't wait to come back to university and spend time with her again. I felt like she was being really distant and off with me and I found out it is because she is going through a really hard time. It was heartbreaking seeing someone you care about so much be so unhappy. I just wanted to help her and be there for her which I thought I did do but I somehow made her feel worse which I feel like the worlds shittiest person about. I just want her to be happy and I somehow made the person I care about so much feel even worse and it constantly keeps playing over and over in my mind.
We used to be so close and we'd see each other all the time and I just feel like I've been pushed out and replaced. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've been pushed out because I tried my best to make her happy and it really hurts. I was looking forward to spending next year with her and living together but that has all just gone away in the space of a few weeks. I've tried brushing it off and acting like it doesn't bother me but the other night I just got loads of snapchats of her and her other friend saying 'My Best Friend' and it just hurt me so much. I feel like I've just been discarded by someone who I love and care about so much and who I value so much as a person. She was the first girl I properly trusted with everything and now it has all gone. I just sat in my room and cried because it sounds so pathetic but I feel lost without her.
I understand she is going through a hard time and I'm happy that she is doing what makes her happy. I just need to accept what has happened and move on. I do have Grant even though he is moving to Worcester but I know he is always here for me and is only a phone call away. Seeing him last weekend really helped lift my mood but I do feel gutted knowing it is the last time I'll be seeing him for awhile as he starts his new job soon. But I'm so happy and so proud of how far he has come and I'm excited for him to start his new life.
I just need to snap out of this negative frame of mind and remember that this is only a small part of my life. I will be ok. I've got my family behind me and Grant and my degree to focus on. No matter how much I feel like hopping on a train and running away I'm going to stick it out and deal with the hand of cards I've been given.
- 14:47
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