Dream of Bright Lights and Far Away Places

A New Year is quickly creeping upon us with only one more day to go and Christmas has been and gone - perfect time to reflect on 2015.

January:

I began my first placement as a student nurse. I can't believe how far I have come in such a short space of time. I remember so clearly stepping foot onto that ward and feeling absolutely petrified. I had no idea what I was doing - I'd never even washed or looked after a patient before. Another two placements later and I'm looking after a bay of four patients and I'm responsible for their care. I never thought in a million years I'd be ready to look after one patient on my own let alone four.

If you want to read more about my placement in January click here

April-May:

 

This time in the year was very up and down with lots of mixed emotions for me. I went back to university for a couple of months and started my new modules. I had a lot of work thrown at me at once. I had two assignments to complete, a biology and maths exam, e-learning and preparation for practice. I was feeling so stressed and overwhelmed because I hadn't revised for my maths or biology exam and they're the two subjects I find the toughest. 

I was feeling very low as I felt very unattractive and my health wasn't at its best. I began working out 5 days a week and completely changing my diet to lose weight. I was admitted into hospital in May due to a severe kidney infection and I was feeling so poorly which meant I was neglecting my university work and fitness which was making me more stressed. I was in this vicious cycle that I was struggling to get out of. - Read more here.

I broke this viscous cycle by getting myself a personal trainer to motivate me with my fitness. I began to enjoy going to the gym and I would go with my friend Coral which made it more fun. 

I got myself a new diary to organise myself and I began getting on top of all of the work I needed to do. Once I was able to do this, I was able to go out with my friends and socialise more which made me a lot happier.

June - August:

I began my second placement in June which I absolutely loved. I was working with the Holbeach Community Nurses team and I learnt so much. I think this was the placement when I started to feel like I'm a nurse and I'm capable of finishing this degree. I got on with the team so well and I was genuinely sad to be leaving. This placement has definitely sparked my interest into being a community nurse - something about going into patients homes and helping them makes being a nurse so much more special.

This placement finished in August and I had finally completed my first year as a student nurse! I couldn't believe how quickly time swept by. I remember starting university and thinking 'What the hell have I got myself into?' but all the hard work, mental breakdowns and stressing paid off because I finished the year with an overall FIRST! (who'd have thought it ay?).



 On my sisters birthday in June, I met someone who I'm currently still dating. It was weird how the whole thing started but I was 100% in the mind frame where I was not interested in meeting someone. I really just wanted to focus on myself and my degree and I frankly couldn't be bothered with meeting someone new. I didn't want to have to guess what their motives were or if they were being truthful or just playing a game but then came along Lee. I decided in my head that I'm not going to take this seriously and whatever happens happens and I stuck to that for quite awhile but I suppose the more and more we saw each other the closer we became. Now we are pretty inseparable and I feel like I have known him for years - it's like hanging out with my best friend all the time.

We've done some pretty wonderful things together like going to Kew Gardens and exploring the West End of London, spending the evening at Winter Wonderland and slobbing out on Boxing Day. We're currently in Chester - ready to spend New Years Eve together and we're planning a holiday in June to Italy. We have also had countless amounts of dates at Frankie and Bennies and it's now become some kind of tradition.

September - October: 
 
A start of a new academic year... which I wasn't too excited about. My modules are boring and difficult, I have a presentation that I've got to be assessed on (I couldn't think of anything worse) and I was going to be treated like a second year nurse when I still felt like I knew nothing.

However, I was excited about moving into my new house because anything is better than student accommodation. I spent quite a lot of time decorating my room and making it very homely. I began eating better, continuing to be organised and I still went to the gym. I saw Lee at weekends and we occasionally went on fun adventures like going to Primrose Hill and Little Venice. University felt a lot different this year and I still can't figure out why.

November - December:
 

I started my first placement as a second year nurse and I was bricking it. I was placed on an male geriatrics ward and I had to move to nursing accommodation just so I could attend my placement. I was so stressed about this because I had to find £760 out of thin air and I would be living on my own. Luckily my dad was able to help me out until I can get the money reimbursed but the unlucky side was that I really struggled with this placement - it challenged me in every possible way.

My associate mentor took a massive disliking to me (so it seemed) and my mentor went off sick for four weeks. I was dreading for my associate mentor to mark and assess me because I really felt like she hated me. I had many moments were I thought I couldn't do it - I wasn't smart or capable enough to be a nurse. I just wanted to quit because I felt so lost. After loads of encouraging words from my mum and countless amounts of phone calls crying down the phone I plucked up the courage from somewhere and I persevered. I can now say that it was the best choice I made and although it was hard, it paid off in the end. Another nurse who I really liked became my mentor and I managed to get all my Essential Skill's Clusters signed off and I achieved Level 3 in all of my competencies. Probably to whoever is reading that doesn't seem much but it means I've achieved everything I need to in order to complete my second year. Although this placement was very challenging for me it was also a massive learning curve.

 

I finished placement on the 20/12 and I was able to go home for Christmas which was something I was really looking forward to. I lazed around for days to make up for all of the 13 hour shifts I completed and I have been eating ridiculously bad. I just kept using the excuse that it is Christmas so it's what you're supposed to do.

I caught up with a few of my closest friends and went for a couple of drinks which was so nice considering I hadn't actually met up with one of my friends since October. I spent Christmas Eve snuggled up watching Christmas films with family and playing games. When it came to Christmas day I wasn't expecting to get much because I hadn't asked for anything apart from some money to help towards some driving lessons. I was so surprised by how much I got and how much thought my family put into getting me presents. I felt so guilty because I didn't get my family much for Christmas due to being very poor and trying to save money and they went to so much effort for me. I ended up crying when opening my presents - standard.

I spent boxing day with Lee as stated before where we became sofa sloths for a day and I've recently spent a couple of days at my dads in Luton to have a second Christmas with him. We did a few cheeky shots and water bombs and played silly challenges like the Jelly Bean challenge. For those of you that don't know what it is it's where you have to suck up the jelly beans using a straw and separate all the colours into pots in the quickest possible time.









I'm now currently in Chester with Lee as he had to travel here for work. I was left today to explore Chester and I had a fab time. I explored the city walls and visited the roman gardens, the roman amphitheatre, the eastgate clock, the cathedral and Grosvenor museum and park. Although the weather was shitty I had a great day and learnt a lot. I also came across the Central Perks coffee shop from friends so I obviously had to go in and have peek. It was so surreal - I actually felt like I was in Friends and the best part was that they were playing nonstop Friends episodes. If only they have one in Lincoln. I definitely recommend visiting Chester if you're into history and sight seeing or even if you love shopping.

It's New Years Eve tomorrow and I can finally say that I'm ready to begin another year and tackle anymore challenges that I shall face because I'm sure they'll be many.

Looking back it's easy to say this year has been a rollarcoaster ride (sorry for the cringy cliche) and there has been a lot of tears but I've come out stronger. I read my New Year post about all of the things I wanted to achieve this year and I haven't done too bad. I began exercising and eating better, I achieved a more positive outlook on life and I bought myself a guitar. The only thing I failed to do was go to Rome. Let's hope this year will be just as fulfilling.

I'm currently supposed to be revising for my biology exam however I've decided to do some more procrastinating and write a blog post instead.

If I'm being honest, the reason I am writing is because I feel like I'm having such a crap time at the moment. It's hard to talk to people about it because I like to come across as if I'm strong all the time and I don't want anyone to see my vulnerable side. It is just exhausting and emotionally draining trying to keep a happy face 24/7.

I've come back to university and I've just lost so much confidence and self esteem in myself. I've felt so fat and disgusting and it was really bringing me down so I decided to do something about it. I've started eating healthily and I started Charlotte Crosby's 3 Minute Belly Blitz workout DVD. The reason I chose this DVD was purely based on how popular it was and how many good reviews it had. I thought I'd give it a try and I genuinely enjoyed doing it. I started off with a workout DVD because I get incredibly anxious when it comes to going for a run outside or going to the gym as I feel like everyone is staring at me and I'm going to make a total twat of myself. 

I started doing this on a daily basis and I began feeling a bit better about myself. After a week, the workout DVD that I was following got taken down from YouTube (Oh No!) and I went into a bit of a frenzy. I became a little bit obsessed with exercising every day so I had to figure out other forms of exercise while I waited for the workout DVD to be delivered. So I forced myself to do the two things that I feared the most; go to the gym and go outside jogging. 

Step number one was plucking up the courage to join the gym which I managed to do. It is £19.95 a month which is a bargain considering that price includes a swimming pool, a sauna and all of the classes. I couldn't bring myself to go to the gym yet so I decided to force myself to go outside for a run instead. I ran 2 miles down the riverside in Lincoln and I felt so proud of myself after. I felt like I achieved something massive and I was on a high all day. 

Me and my flatmate Coral decided to go to the gym where I went swimming for an hour and I also had a free Personal Trainer assessment which I was so nervous about. The PT sat me down and just asked me general questions and he was so easy to talk to. I told him why I'm anxious about joining a gym again and he reassured me that no one will laugh at me or call me 'puny' which made me feel a bit better. He showed me interval training, resistance training and certain exercises to reach the goal I want. After the assessment, he booked me into a free PT session with Coral and 3 other girls which I actually felt really excited for. I left the gym feeling so confident in myself. I haven't ever been more determined to become fit and healthy in all my life. 

After only 2 weeks I started to see results and a change in my mood and behaviour. My posture was a little bit better, my legs were thinner, my belly a tiny bit more toned and if that wasn't enough I started to feel happier and more energetic. Finally, everything was looking up. I've been the most motivated and determined I've ever been. However the universe decided it was time up for this new positive and happier behaviour of mine.

I woke up at 4am Sunday morning in complete agony while shivering uncontrollably. I knew something was wrong straight away as the pain was getting worse and worse and I couldn't seem to warm up. I took some paracetamol and tried to sleep it off but the pain was so severe it was making me cry. I rang 111 and got redirected to out of hours where I got an appointment at 8am. I eventually saw the doctor and it turns out I have another kidney infection. My temperature and heart rate were very high and I was still in severe pain so I got admitted into the Emergency Medical Unit where I sat on my own for 10 hours working myself up into an emotional mess. I was frightened about what was happening and I had no idea whether I would have to stay overnight or not. All I wanted was my mum or Grant to keep me company and to be there to support me. 

Eventually the consultant saw me and confirmed I have a severe kidney infection but he is happy for me to go home as my heart rate and temperature are back to normal  I was given a strong antibiotic to take 3x a day for 10 days to clear up the infection but if I'm still having problems after I've finished my antibiotics I need to go back and be admitted as an in-patient in the Urology ward. I'm still taking my antibiotics so fingers crossed they work. 

For a week I've felt like complete shit. I've had on and off fever, on and off achy body and constant pain in my left side. So obviously that meant no exercise for me. I had to miss my personal trainer session, majority of my lectures and my new motivated and determined lifestyle got fucked up completely. I couldn't even manage to revise for my biology exam. All I could do was lay in bed and sleep. After being on such a high for 2 weeks it felt like I just got pushed out of a window from a 40 story building and smacked in the face by the concrete ground. 

I think what I found worse was the constant worry of how much damage this infection has done to my kidneys. The last time I was this ill with a kidney infection was when I was 9 and I spent a week in hospital. I know my kidneys aren't functioning great as it is but I've had 7 infections in the last 6 months and 1 severe infection and I can't help but be scared as to how much damage this has done. I'm worried about having my next kidney function test, I'm worried about what this means for my future. Will I be able to finish my degree? Will I be able to travel the world? Will I be able to have children?. The thing is, I know kidney failure isn't the end of the world. I can have dialysis and a kidney transplant but I am just so frightened it's all going to happen sooner than I imagined. I don't want to be like this. I just want to get better and the most frustrating part is knowing that there is nothing I can do to prevent this from happening. 

This leads me up till now. I'm currently feeling so down and depressed because I'm trying so hard to grasp back that more positive and motivated mind frame. I woke up today and I went to my workshop, I've started my healthy eating again and I completed my workout DVD so I should be feeling better right? It just seems like nothing can shift this dark cloud looming over me. 

I think maybe I'm just trying to brush off so much. A lot of things have been bothering me and getting to me but I'm trying my hardest to act like I don't care which is easy to do over social media. I'm deep down holding onto the past because I feel as if past relationships have been left open and I've gained no closure from them. I feel like I need answers to everything when in reality I'm never ever going to get them. I'm constantly blaming myself for everything that has gone wrong in my life. Since I've started university it seems like I'm always doing something wrong which causes important people in my life to leave. The thing is, I never ever seem to find out what I did that was wrong. 

What I'm finding extremely hard is the fact that I've recently just lost my best friend. I missed her so much when I was away on placement and I couldn't wait to come back to university and spend time with her again. I felt like she was being really distant and off with me and I found out it is because she is going through a really hard time. It was heartbreaking seeing someone you care about so much be so unhappy. I just wanted to help her and be there for her which I thought I did do but I somehow made her feel worse which I feel like the worlds shittiest person about. I just want her to be happy and I somehow made the person I care about so much feel even worse and it constantly keeps playing over and over in my mind. 

We used to be so close and we'd see each other all the time and I just feel like I've been pushed out and replaced. I'm really struggling to come to terms with the fact that I've been pushed out because I tried my best to make her happy and it really hurts. I was looking forward to spending next year with her and living together but that has all just gone away in the space of a few weeks. I've tried brushing it off and acting like it doesn't bother me but the other night I just got loads of snapchats of her and her other friend saying 'My Best Friend' and it just hurt me so much. I feel like I've just been discarded by someone who I love and care about so much and who I value so much as a person. She was the first girl I properly trusted with everything and now it has all gone. I just sat in my room and cried because it sounds so pathetic but I feel lost without her. 

I understand she is going through a hard time and I'm happy that she is doing what makes her happy. I just need to accept what has happened and move on. I do have Grant even though he is moving to Worcester but I know he is always here for me and is only a phone call away. Seeing him last weekend really helped lift my mood but I do feel gutted knowing it is the last time I'll be seeing him for awhile as he starts his new job soon. But I'm so happy and so proud of how far he has come and I'm excited for him to start his new life. 

I just need to snap out of this negative frame of mind and remember that this is only a small part of my life. I will be ok. I've got my family behind me and Grant and my degree to focus on. No matter how much I feel like hopping on a train and running away I'm going to stick it out and deal with the hand of cards I've been given. 

We've flown into March in a blink of an eye and I am finding I am approaching the last few days of my first clinical placement. I honestly can't believe how quickly these last two months have gone. I walked into placement with no experience whatsoever and now I am walking away with so many skills and memories. I remember feeling completely out of my comfort zone. I felt lost and like a fish out of water. Now I am strolling around putting the skills I have learnt to use and making a small difference to the lives of many and I cannot possibly put into words how amazing that feels. 

I've been dealt with a great first placement; the staff I work with are all so helpful and they welcomed me and made me feel at home. My mentor has been incredible, she has taught me the basic set of skills that will continue to progress throughout my nursing career. The patients have been unforgettable. I've watched patients be admitted onto the ward where they've been bed bound but they have been discharged walking and smiling and it is such an honour and achievement to know I helped that process. On the other hand, I have watched patients deteriorate rapidly and I've held their hand as they take their last breath. This was something that cut deeply for me but it meant the patient wasn't alone when facing death. 

My life since the 16th Jan to present has consisted of 6am mornings, 13 hour shifts, food, sleep and assignments. No alcohol and no social life. I've gone from the university life of going out all the time and rolling in at 5am and suffering a hangover to waking up around that time and suffering with exhaustion. The benefits of placement though have obviously been having your mummy wash your clothes and cook your meals because I can not stress enough how little energy you have after a 13 hour shift. If my mum didn't do those things for me I'd probably be anorexic and smelly. 

I've got another three days left of placement and after that I am back to the university life for 9 weeks... just as other students finish their first year for good. Unfortunately I don't finish until the 26th of August. The only downfall of being a student nurse. I couldn't say thank you enough to my family for looking after me and letting me stroll back home for a few months so I can steal food. have my washing done and save some money for a little while. 

I'd also like to write a little something for my best friend Grant Smillie because I know he will read this post and moan that I haven't mentioned him. I also apologise for the extremely old photograph. Me and Grant have known each other for over two years and we've always remained best friends. Since being back home for a few months we both saw it as an opportunity to spend more time together and we've grown so much more closer for it. In between placement I see this little dipshit and we have so much fun doing absolutely nothing apart from taking the piss out of each other. I mainly just use him because he makes a spectacular cup of tea and gives me hugs when I'm sad, grumpy or just bored. 

On a more serious note, Grant has helped me through everything. He has seen me at my worst and at my best and always supports me with everything I do. I couldn't possibly imagine who I'd turn to if he wasn't there because he is the first person I want to go to to share good news, bad news or any kind of news. An example being I will tell him straight away if I have purchased a bottle of lucazade or a lunchable because that is vital information to be shared between us. I've also got him into Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead because I'm an extremely good friend. 

I'm going back to university in a few weeks and it's going to be extremely hard being away from him and it's going to take some getting used to again. But either way, I know he is only a phone call away and I know he'd always be there if I need him and vice versa. At least it will give me a break of the constant verbal abuse I get and his desperate attempts to convince me he should have been born black. OH! and also the terrible terrible music he listens to. You will never get me into ghetto music Grant... ever. (or whatever it is called). But thank you for everything you have done for me. You better bloody come and visit me in Lincoln or there will be consequences. I hate you very much. 

A new year has begun and I'm shocked it's 2015; it's insane how much time passes in the blink of an eye. I hate the whole 'New Year, New Me' palaver because I think you only make changes to become a better version of yourself. You've got a whole year of unforeseeable opportunities so here is to a New Year and New Experiences. 

I begin my first placement at Johnson's Hospital in Spalding on the 13th of January as a student nurse. I'll be on the acute injuries ward and also be dealing with those terminally ill. This is going to be a life changing opportunity and extremely challenging for me. I will finally be helping people whether it's dressing an open wound or holding their hand in the last moments of their life. Long and stressful days lie ahead of me but I know every second will be worth it. Plus the Uniform is unbelievably sexy; gotta love the Simon Cowell trousers and don't get me started on the shoes. 

This is a big fat cliche but as the New Year has begun I have finally decided I will give myself a kick up my lazy butt and finally exercise (shocker). I always make excuses as to why I can't exercise e.g. the gym is too far away and too expensive. Yet, when I started University I had a gym literally next door to me which was fairly cheap and my excuses started to become 'I'm too ill' (hungover). 

Now a New Year has begun and I'm going to need a lot more stamina to power through my long shifts as a nurse; I've decided I'm going to take this exercising thing seriously. This is probably a massive thing for me because I could easily hands down win the worlds most laziest girl award. Anyone that knows me well knows it's a big mistake to try and get me out of bed. Anyway, I've decided I'm going to run morning or evening everyday depending on my shift patterns and I've sorted myself a work out routine to tone my legs, bum and stomach. I began this routine a few days ago and got worn out during the warm up which is definitely a sign of how unfit I am. So no more excuses, I am going to work my little body out!

As many of you know, I am a worrier and I often find it difficult to look on the optimistic side of life. However, this is something that has troubled me for years and I want to finally work on changing it. I want to cherish those I have in my life and not ponder on those who left. I want to smile more instead of finding reasons to cry. I want to be happy and not let others bring me down. I want to look at the glass as being half full this year.

I've decided that I'm going to stop making the effort with people who don't value me enough to make the same effort with me. This is something I continuously do because I feel guilty or care too much but I'm not going to give and give and give because I am always left with nothing which in return makes me unhappy. I always want to make others happy but I need to look at whether that person will in return make me happy. I also need to stop believing that everyone in the world would do exactly what I would do because everyone has a different heart and mind. 

I will not chase those or force those to be in my life because they're obviously not meant to be there and that's okay. 

This achievement may take a while and will probably run into next year as I'm poor as fuck right now. But, I want to finally start learning how to play guitar. I tried once when I was fifteen with my mum's old guitar but the guitar just couldn't hack it and none of the notes sounded right no matter how much I tuned it. I've never been able to afford a new guitar but I will have quite a bit of money around May/June so I am going to treat myself to a brand new guitar. 

I can't wait to start learning how to play and lose myself in something. I adore music and I've wanted to learn to play the guitar for a very long time. I think it will give me something to truly focus on and I know I'll definitely enjoy being able to play music. 

Lastly, I want to finally do something that I have wanted to do for years. I want to go to Rome in September and visit the Colosseum and eat Italian pizza. The flights and hotel drop massively in price in September which has made me determined to go ahead and do it. I haven't decided who I will be going with or exact dates yet but I've got awhile to plan. 

I do want to travel the world when I graduate but that is going to be awhile yet and I don't think I can wait much longer to visit Rome! 

So, that is my fun packed aims and opportunities for 2015 - don't hesitate to make changes because without change life would be pretty damn boring.